Silent Screams
by HellFire
Summary: Duo's got some major problems with pain... Death fic! Duo torture within! Switching POV's. Complete


~ All standard disclaimers apply

~ All standard disclaimers apply.

~ Warning: Deathfic, switching POV's, Duo torture, angst, dark, morbid, and just about any thing else you can come up with in that area. Sometimes it's quite OOC, but it's hard to keep in character! I've been told that some of this sounds like shounen ai, but it just came out that way. I didn't try to change it so you yaoi people can imagine all you want.

~ Note: OK, I need to say this somewhere, but I don't want to ruin the mood after the fic. I don't know if I like that last sentence, so after you read the whole fic tell me whether or not to delete it. All reviews are appreciated, and flames will be inspiration for future fics. (Meaning I'll just imagine what I want to do to the flamers and make it happen to one of the characters in my fics) Just remember the warning and REVIEW!

~ Demons are everywhere –even in me ~

The cruelest lies are often told in silence. -Robert Louis Stevenson, Virginibus Puerisque part 4

Silent Screams

~~~ Duo's POV ~~~

"The pain. It hurts. It hurts so much! Make it stop! Somebody, make it stop!"

It's back. The same pain that comes every night to haunt me is back. I don't know what I did to deserve this kind of torture, and it wouldn't make a difference if I did. The pain would still come to torment me.

The relentless pain wracks my body, rendering me silent. The same thoughts keep repeating themselves over and over again in my brain, as if by thinking them I'm able to drive away some of the pain. That's a lie. The pain doesn't go away. If anything, it gets worse. And I can't think of a single thing that I can do to ease my suffering.

In the morning, the pain still surrounds me, but it's not as bad as it is at night. I can still act like the person my comrades think I am. They don't know the real me, only because there is no real me. There's only the pain-wracked body left, an empty shell of what I used to be. There was a time when I had a soul. But that time is long gone, buried along with any hopes for a happy, normal life. 

I don't let my comrades know that I'm in pain. Actually, I hardly tell them anything that's the truth. The person they think I am is a lie. My life seems to be filled with lies and deceit, made of untruths and deception.

When I was younger and still had the spark of life in my violet eyes, I had aspired to become an actor. I used to practice acting often. Now my acting skills get a good workout. It's ironic, in a way. I'm fulfilling my childhood dreams of being an actor, but there is no joy in it. I forgot most of my feelings and emotions long ago, yet I can still act like I have them.

I walk out of my room, my mask firmly in place. I can't let anyone know what's going on behind it, what happens at night when I'm alone in the dark. I'm not sure why I feel so reluctant to reveal my pains to those closest to me. All I know is that I must keep up this charade, or die.

~~~

The day proceeds as any other day, and my roommates Quatre Winner and Trowa Barton remain clueless about my suffering. I hide my pain behind a mask of cheerfulness, the complete opposite from what I become when I'm alone. I bounce around the apartment, my meter-long braid swishing behind me, annoying my comrades until they walk away. I know that they think I'm nothing but a happy, hyperactive boy, but nothing could be farther from the truth. After breakfast one day, Quatre tells me a bit of news that will again change my life forever. 

"A new Gundam pilot is going to be staying with us. His name is Heero Yui."

I'm pretending that I can't wait for Heero Yui to arrive so I can annoy him to Hell and back. Inside, I'm screaming. Heero will have to sleep in my room, seeing as Quatre and Trowa share the other room. This means that I'm going to have to be extra careful that Heero never hears me whimper in pain of catches a glimpse of the tears that form. If he does, he undoubtedly would tell Quatre and Trowa about my pain. All my work to set up this farce would come crashing down around me.

~~~

When I get my first good look at my new roommate, I receive a startling shock: Heero Yui's expression. It's non-existent. His face is a total and complete blank. I realize that I won't have to worry about Heero telling Trowa or Quatre if he hears my cries. He looks like he probably couldn't care less.

~~~

As the days pass, I come to know Heero better, whether he wants me to or not. Heero acts just like how I am sometimes. Cold, arrogant, and bitter. Deep within myself, I often feel this way. That's why I'm getting to know the strange boy. He has this force surrounding him that draws me in like a moth to a candle's flame. I want to know more. Is this the real Heero Yui, or a cleaver fake, like me? I don't know, but I'll find out.

~~~ Heero's POV ~~~

Something is not right about the braided baka. He seems cheerful, so annoyingly cheerful it's sickening, but I can tell that it's not real. 

I don't have many emotions myself; if I did, it would be a weakness, something I can't afford to have. Even though the only emotions left inside of me are hate and anger, I am observant. I have to be. My life often depends on it.

My other two roommates are okay, it's Duo I'm not too sure about. He's trustworthy, I can tell that much, but there's something under the forced happy behavior that disturbs me. Perhaps it's the fact that he reminds me of myself in an odd sort of way.

For the past two months Duo's been following me around under the pretense of annoying me. He's really trying to find out more information about me, information I don't plan on giving him. 

I don't plan on giving out any information about myself to anyone, and I don't think Duo or Trowa are going to hand out any information either. No matter. I have my ways of finding out what I want to know.

I have no interest in finding out about either Trowa or Quatre. I am curious though, about Duo. He seems bent on finding out information about me, and if he gets his hands on that information, I'll have to eliminate him. That was my first order, the mission that is never completed.

The best way to find out information on someone is using the computer. That should be easy, considering my hacking skills. It would be easy if I could get the braided baka to stay away from me. I'll manage somehow.

~~~ Quatre's POV ~~~

There's something wrong with Duo. My Uchuu no Kokoro tells me. He seems the same, always making jokes and annoying people. But there seems to be an underlying darkness growing more apparent everyday. I worry for Duo.

Even though he constantly keeps himself busy with bothering one of us or eating, there are times when Duo leaves all of us alone. Those are the times I worry most about him.

He was talking to me once, going on about something, when his words faltered. He seemed to be in great pain, although he didn't want to show it. He quickly excused himself and left. About a half-hour later, he was out and about. Duo looked the same, and he acted the same, but I know something happened that day, something bad, and yet, he won't talk about it.

I'm not sure why he doesn't tell us what's wrong. Perhaps he feels that if he tells any of us, something awful will happen. Oh Duo, my friend, please be careful.

~~~ Trowa's POV ~~~

Something is troubling Quatre and I have a strong feeling it's Duo. He seems to be pained by something. But then again, I've never been good at reading people. I know something is troubling Duo, and that in turn troubles us all. If he would just tell one of us, we could help him. I'm not going to go insisting that Duo tell us what's wrong. Only Duo can decide if and when he wants to tell us, and there's no point forcing him to do something he's not ready to do.

~~~ Duo's POV ~~~

The pain is back. It eats at my insides and won't leave me alone. Strangely though, it isn't quite as bad as it was two months ago. Or maybe it's just my mind trying to convince me that the pain will eventually go away.

As I lie in my bed, staring at the wall, a fresh wave of pain envelops my body, pain unlike anything I have ever experienced before. I curl into a tight ball, hoping it'll stop the pain. If anything, it just makes it worse, as if the pain were a living thing intent on killing me, and my show of weakness only invigorated it.

It hurts. It hurts so badly. I want to cry out as the pain redoubles its efforts and wraps itself around my heart, squeezing until it seems my heat will burst, physically killing me. The only thing that keeps me from crying out is the boy in the bed across from mine.

I try to control it. I am strong. I can overcome this. After all, pain doesn't matter to Death. And I am Shinigami, the God of Death.

More pain. For my efforts, I get more pain. This time I cannot stop the whimper that comes out of my throat. My eyes burn and my throat constricts even more as my vision is blurred by salty liquid. No. Boys don't cry. I can't cry. I am Death, and Death can't cry. But the pain is too strong; I can't even uncurl from my fetal position on the bed.

I can't hold out any longer and the pain overwhelms me. I whimper again, a pathetic sound. It disgusts me that a boy, much less myself, could make such a pathetic sound. But my mind isn't on how pathetic I look and sound. I can't even think clearly. The pain has all but taken over my entire body and mind. If I had a soul, no doubt the pain would tear it apart like rabid wolves eating a rabbit.

For the first time in years, I loose control. My bravado crumbles to expose the tortured boy within. I start to cry uncontrollably. I can't help it. The tears fall freely, although how they escape my tightly closed eyes I don't know. Or care about. All I'm aware of is the pain, the unrelenting pain. As the pain takes over leaving terror and hurt in its black wake, I slip into a kind of trance.

~~~ Heero's POV ~~~

I'm nearly asleep when I hear something from across the room. Instantly alert, I sit up in bed. Thankfully, this bed doesn't squeak. I listen carefully. The first sound doesn't come again, but another sound does. It sounds as if someone's crying, but that can't be. All the people in this place are Gundam pilots; we all know that showing any emotions puts the mission at risk.

I listen again. Yes, I'm sure of it. Someone in this apartment is crying, and I have a feeling it's Duo. If it were Trowa or Quatre, I'm pretty sure the other would have shut him up by now. Even though I'm sure it's Duo, I have a hard time imagining him crying.

It's not because he goes around with that stupid happy act of his; I can tell it's just an act, even if the other two fall for it. No, it's not because he always acts too happy for his own good. It's partially because I've heard him mumbling about how boys don't cry. The other reason I can't picture the braided baka crying is because he seems like me in a strange way, and I could never imagine myself crying.

I sit in my bed, trying to make myself lie down and go back to sleep, but I can't. Duo's crying disturbs me. Not because it's very loud, the sobs are hardly audible. I can't quite figure out why Duo's crying bothers me.

Something forces me out of my bed and over to Duo's bedside. I look at him, curled up in a fetal position under the blanket. Something stirs inside me, and I ignore it. A whimper comes from the pathetic huddle of a human. It sounds like he's in pain.

I have no idea why this bothers me as it does. I've killed millions; I'm a soldier whose only orders are to kill and not let anyone find out about me. I've heard many crying out in pain, many begging me not to end their lives. Never before have I been affected by their cries, their pathetic pleas for mercy. Never have I shown any of the wanted mercy, killing them all without feeling anything.

I stand next to Duo's bed, gazing down at his face contorted with pain, unable to make myself move back to my own bed, and unable to comprehend why Duo's pain disturbs me so.

~~~ Duo's POV ~~~

Just when I think I can't take any more, that the pain will finally kill me, something appears and eases the pain a bit. Now the overwhelming force of it isn't something living that feeds on my inner turmoil, but something more like a smothering blanket lined with the burning pain. Not much better, but the blanket of pain that covers me doesn't seem intent on stripping me limb from limb with talons of unbearable torture.

My mind starts to work again, just a little. I become aware of a presence in front of me. It's from this presence that the force that managed to dampen my pain flows from. An image begins to form in my muddled brain.

When I was little and living with the Maxwell Church, Sister Helen used to tell stories about winged beings that appeared to protect people or take them to face their Judgment. The image in my mind is of one of those winged beings, come to take me away from the pain. I see a tall person in long, flowing, white robes. Huge wings stretch from the shoulders. I can't tell if it's male or female because of the bright light behind it. A hand reaches down to me.

I reach out my own hand, stretching to touch the hand of the winged one who waits just out of my grasp. My arm is straining trying to reach beyond its limits. More pain flashes along the length of my arm like white-hot fire. But this pain isn't like the old, torturous pain. This pain is the kind that is curable, that will stop after a while. I welcome this pain, because I can tolerate it, and it takes the place of some of the other, unbearable pain.

I continue to stretch my arm out, trying in vain to reach the winged being who can be none other than an angel come to save me from myself.

~~~ Heero's POV ~~~

Standing beside Duo's bed, I notice that the baka seems to have relaxed a little. I wonder why. He still looks pained, but he isn't curled up quite as tightly now. I see a muscle in Duo's arm twitch. As I watch, it twitches again. And again.

After a few more twitches, the arm starts to move. Duo has a pleading look on his face, another expression I've seen countless times, but never on any of the Gundam pilots' faces. His arm is moving toward me, but I can't make myself move, even though I want to.

It seems to take Duo immense effort to move his arm that much. Why do I care? I'm a Gundam pilot, the Perfect Soldier. I don't care about anything but my missions. That last thought surprises me. It sounds so cold and indifferent somehow. I never thought about it in that manner before. It disturbs me even more than Duo's crying.

Something warm closes around my wrist. Instinctively I reach back to grab my gun, but my right hand is held in a death grip by... Duo! I didn't think he had this much strength, considering how much effort it took him to move his arm at all.

I try to pry Duo's hand from around my wrist. I finally feel like I can go back to bed, but now a sleeping fool imprisons me. I tug again on Duo's viselike grip on my arm and only succeed in making him clutch harder. 

Finally I give up as a sudden weariness overtakes my body. I drag over a conveniently placed chair and sink into it, Duo's hand still holding my wrist tightly. My eyes close as sleep claims my mind.

~~~ Duo's POV ~~~

After straining my arm until it seemed it would break, I finally manage to grasp the angel's outstretched hand. I feel strong fingers trying to pry my hand loose, but I'm determined not to loose my hold on the angel.

Now that I have physical contact with the winged one, the pain isn't as intense. No longer is it a wild animal tearing up my insides or a smothering blanket lined with barbs of burning pain. Now the pain is fading, starting with the hand I have wrapped around my savior's wrist. 

The tugging ceases, but I don't dare relax my grip. If I do, I'm afraid the angel will slip from my grasp and the pain will take over once more. Finally, sleep comes.

~~~ Quatre's POV ~~~

At breakfast time, I notice that both Duo and Heero aren't up yet. That's unusual for both of them. Never in the time I've known him has Duo been late for a meal. Heero is on time for everything, whether it's meals or meetings. Excusing myself, I head down the hall to wake Duo and Heero.

I'm half way there when I notice that Trowa is behind me. I turn and smile at him. A glimmer of something appears on his face and in his eyes as he walks behind me. It disappears before I can name it.

When we arrive at Heero and Duo's door, I cautiously knock. In the first few days Heero was here, he made it very clear he hated to be interrupted. When there's no reply, I slowly push open the door.

Heero's bed is empty, save for the pillow and comforter. Wondering where Heero is, I look around to Duo's side of the room. I feel my eyes widen as I take in the scene before me. 

Heero is slumped in a chair, sleeping. His brown hair is only mussed a little bit, as if he had been in that chair for most of the night instead of in his bed. The most shocking thing is that Duo's hand is tightly clasped around Heero's wrist.

Duo himself looks almost normal. His braid is extremely messed up, with big clumps coming out near the end. He's curled up on his side, facing Heero. Aside from the fact that he has a death grip on Heero's wrist, Duo looks peaceful enough. 

Upon closer examination though, I find that Duo has an expression of slight pain on his face. That expression bothers me. I've never seen Duo like this before. I've seen him in pain, but usually I can see some type of injury to spark the pain. There should be no reason for Duo to be in pain. He hasn't had any missions as of late. The pain must be overwhelming for it to be visible while he sleeps.

This, along with that time that Duo was talking to me and suddenly seemed pained, makes my Uchuu no Kokoro scream that something is desperately wrong, but it doesn't tell me what. I need to find out, but I don't want to upset either Heero or Duo.

~~~ Trowa's POV ~~~

Stepping into the room behind Quatre, I nearly bump into him when he suddenly stops walking. Following his gaze, I see Duo with Heero sleeping in a chair next to him, Duo's hand wrapped firmly around Heero's wrist. I know with clear certainty that this is what caused Quatre to stop walking.

Although I don't have an Uchuu no Kokoro to tell me things, I know deep down that something is wrong with this scene. I never would expect Heero to fall asleep next to Duo's bed with Duo's hand clenched around his wrist. In the few months that Heero has been here, he's made it clear to me that he isn't staying here for fun. It's because this location makes Heero's mission a little easier.

Knowing what I do about Duo, that position and expression on his face is totally out of character. Duo seems like a person who would sprawl in their sleep, considering he does that while awake. I've never seen him with such an expression of pain. I hope I never see it on Catherine's face. She is the closest to family I have, will ever have.

~~~ Heero's POV ~~~

Sounds of movement in the room bring me instantly out of my sleep. Duo hasn't moved; his hand on my wrist is still in the same position as it was before I fell asleep. I force my eyes open.

Quatre and Trowa are staring at Duo and myself, or to be more precise, Duo's hand on my wrist. They are undoubtedly wondering why it's there. I'm wondering the same thing. When they feel my gaze on them, they stop staring.

"Um...We came to tell you breakfast is ready."

Quatre looks at me with guilt on his face. I don't know how he manages to seem almost innocent, despite the fact that he's a trained assassin, like myself. I nod, signaling I'll be there shortly. With one last curious look at Duo's hand on my wrist, he leaves, pulling Trowa out after him.

Once they're gone, I turn in my seat to look at Duo's hand myself. Again I try to pry his fingers loose, and again I fail. I move my gaze up to Duo himself.

He is still asleep, but the expression of pain is still apparent on his face. Now that there is light in the room, I can see the tracks his tears left as they traveled down his face. None of this bothers me now. I conclude that the only way to get Duo off me is to wake up the baka myself.

I reach over with my free arm and shake Duo's shoulder. No response. This is irritating me. Duo's grip has cut off the circulation of blood to my hand. Letting my annoyance surface, I give Duo's shoulder a big shake. If this doesn't wake him up, he's really in for it when he does wake.

~~~ Duo's POV ~~~

Someone is shaking my shoulder hard enough to flip me over. The shaking pulls me out of the haze of sleep and into the real world. My vision of an angel fades away with the hazy mist.

Slowly, I open my eyes. I don't want to pretend to be the hyper boy my comrades think they know. It's always so much work to pretend to be the complete opposite of what I really am. But I don't want to lay in bed either. When I do, the pain comes back full force. I don't know if the angel will save me the next time.

My vision clears, and I see dark blue eyes staring hard enough to burn holes through my head. My brain kicks in and I become aware of something warm in my tightly clenched hand.

I look at my hand. Seeing a wrist in my grasp, I quickly let go. Following with my eyes, I see an arm, a bit of green fabric, neck, face, hair. That's Heero's face! I was holding onto Heero! No wonder he looks pissed enough to grab any gun lying around and blow my brains out. 

That may not be such a bad idea. It would hurt for a while, but it should make the relentless pain go away. After all, the dead can't feel anything. And I think I'd be better off dead than have Heero's eyes boring holes in me. It's like I'm a flower that's been left under a heat lamp. A very strong heat lamp.

Heero doesn't say a word as he goes to his side of the room and grabs fresh clothes from his duffel bag. Without a word to me, he leaves, heading for the bathroom. I sigh and climb out of bed myself.

~~~ Quatre's POV ~~~

I'm relieved when Heero walks into the kitchen. No, better to make that stalks in. His face is like a storm cloud, ready to unleash the bottled up fury within if someone or something provokes him. I feel a bit unnerved when Heero turns those dark eyes on me as I set his breakfast before him.

Sitting back down at my place, I find my gaze drawn to the doorway. This is about the fifteenth time I've looked that way this morning. I'm anxious to see Duo, to make sure he's fine. I half expect him to come into the room with bruises and cuts from Heero. Judging by Heero's face, he looked more than angry enough to hurt Duo without a second's consideration.

But I wonder how Duo got a hold of Heero's arm in the first place. Heero's bed is on the other side of the room, and I doubt Duo got out of his bed, walked over to Heero, and dragged him out of bed. I don't think even Duo would try that, even though he's the only one who would dare to annoy Heero.

Heero might have gone over to Duo's side of the room, but I see no reason for Heero to have stood near enough to Duo for physical contact. Heero seems like Trowa in that respect. Neither Trowa nor Heero seem to like the contact of other humans.

What really bothers me is that expression I glimpsed on Duo's face. I still don't know the reason for the pain. Later, I must have a talk with Duo. That is, I must have a talk with him if he ever comes out of his room.

~~~ Duo's POV ~~~

Standing in front of my small mirror, I try to coax my mask on. Today it seems to take more time and effort than usual. I wish I didn't wear this mask, but I can't suddenly discard it. All my work to hide my pain would be worthless.

My mind drifts to all the lies I've told. It's quite a long list. I may run and I may hide, but I never tell a lie, ha. My whole life is one big lie; I just say that so no one would ever suspect the truth. So much for that plan.

I'm sure that Heero knows about my suffering now. I know I whimpered in pain at least twice last night, and when I woke, Heero's wrist was in my grasp. He was close enough to see my face and the salty trails left by my tears. Although it makes figuring out Heero much harder, I'm thankful he doesn't give a damn. At least I don't have to worry about Quatre getting on my case.

~~~ Quatre's POV ~~~

Finally I see Duo come in the door. I notice that his braid isn't quite as neatly done as usual, but his face is the same, cheerful face it always is. For one irrational moment, I hope that what I saw on Duo's face was just part of a bad dream. Taking in the fact that he hasn't said anything yet, I know it wasn't. I get up to retrieve Duo's breakfast from the counter.

When I set the plate down, all Duo says is a simple thank you. Normally he would have said something with a little more energy or at least said good morning. Still my Uchuu no Kokoro screams how wrong my friend is acting, and still it doesn't say why it's wrong. After breakfast I will talk with him.

~~~ Heero's POV ~~~

Breakfast is silent, an unusual thing. Usually Duo is going on about something unimportant. I don't listen to much of anything the baka says; I found out the hard way that most of it is nonsense. However, I've schooled myself to listen whenever he says something about a mission.

I finish my meal without saying a word, my normal behavior here. As I leave the table to hack into the OZ computers, I notice Quatre talking quietly to Duo. A small measure of peace enters me, just from the hope that Quatre will make Duo's pain go away. 

Quickly I crush that irrational hope, chalking up my restlessness to lack of sleep. I don't care about that baka. I don't care about anyone. I'm the Perfect Soldier, an emotionless weapon used to fight in the war. Still, I know something's wrong, and it leaves me uneasy. I know that I won't be able to concentrate on my missions until that wrong is made right.

~~~ Quatre's POV ~~~

Taking Duo aside after breakfast, my Uchuu no Kokoro yells to me even louder that something is wrong with Duo. Looking at his face, I know even without the help of my Uchuu no Kokoro that something is off with the braided boy. I can see faint tear lines down his cheeks, lines which shock me. I ask him what's wrong.

"Nothing Quatre! I'm fine, jus a bit tired, s'all. I didn't get the best sleep ever last night."

Despite Duo's attempt to convince me that nothing is the matter, I still know that he's just trying to distract me. Duo doesn't want any of us, his friends, to know what he's going through. I decide to go along with him and not press the case any further. I leave to help in the kitchen.

~~~ Duo's POV ~~~

When Quatre accepts my answer, I'm a bit surprised. I thought his Uchuu no Kokoro would tell him that I'm not telling the truth. Then again, if it told every time I told him a lie, then his poor Uchuu no Kokoro would have to take a very long vacation.

Shrugging, I head back to my room to see if there's anything to do in there. I am a bit tired, but I don't want to sleep for fear of the pain sure to come back. It annoys me, when I can see through the haze the pain concocts in my mind. I, Shinigami, the God of Death, is afraid of something like sleep because of the pain that proceeds it.

Inside the room, I see Heero on his laptop again. That guy is forever on that thing. I don't know what he finds so interesting. Trying to get my mind off the pain that torments me, I go see what Heero's doing. 

I know that this is a dangerous thing to do. Heero is very short tempered, and makes it widely known. I'm not sure why I feel compelled to taunt Heero; one can never be sure whether or not Heero will shoot oneself. Maybe that's why I do what I do. I might be searching for a quick way to end my pain, and a bullet through the head is one of those ways.

Now however, I don't feel compelled to annoy Heero. After noting that he's just hacking into an OZ computer, I flop down on my unkempt bed and stare at the ceiling. It's not a very interesting view; I've seen it hundreds of times before. The noise of Heero's typing pulls my mind away from the thoughts of pain awaiting me tonight. I let my mind drift, ever fearing that the pain will attack me without notice.

~~~ Heero's POV ~~~

I barely look up when I hear someone enter the room. A glimpse of a long chestnut braid reveals that the intruder is Duo. I expect him to come bounding over to annoy me like he always does. When I sense his presence behind my chair, I brace myself for an attack that never comes. Vaguely surprised, I momentarily glance up. I see Duo sprawled across his bed, staring at the ceiling.

For once, he seems to have no intention of bothering me. I should be grateful, but I'm not. Instead something sounds within me saying that something is very wrong.

I ignore it, concentrating my energies on hacking into the security system of a nearby OZ base. The silence distracts me however. I find it unreal, considering the person who also occupies the room.

Finally I give up on working. I can't concentrate without Duo talking my ear off. Haltingly I walk over to his bed, taking the place I was in only this morning.

~~~ Duo's POV ~~~

Staring at the ceiling, I see movement out of the corner of my eye. Turning my head, I'm surprised to see Heero. This is the second time he's come by my bed today. Usually he stays on his own side of the room. I think he's a bit intimidated by the mess.

Curious, I ask if he wants anything. Heero responds with a grunt. Falling into my cheerful act, I say that he'll have to speak English, because I can't understand gruntese. Grunting again, Heero returns to his laptop and resumes typing. I turn back to stare at the ceiling.

Without warning, the pain comes back. Why does it have to come now? The pain can and does torture me at night, so why does it need to torment me in the daylight?

My body falls and curls up into a little ball again. I can't control anything, not even my thoughts. I hope I don't whimper or cry again. That is my last thought before my mind shuts down.

~~~ Heero's POV ~~~

Hearing the squeak of bedsprings, I glance up again. Duo has rolled over onto his side again, and is curled up into a fetal position. Ignoring him, I turn back to my computer and resume my hacking.

Before I can do much, the door opens a crack and Quatre's face appears. He sees me at my desk and his face pales a little. He stutters about being sorry or something. I turn back to my work.

~~~ Quatre's POV ~~~

I open the door to Heero and Duo's room cautiously. I saw Duo disappear into here shortly after my talk with him. He hasn't set foot outside since then. I feel something's not right about Duo's not being outside since breakfast.

When I meet Heero's eyes, I feel the blood drain from my face. I hope I didn't interrupt him. I don't want to face an angry Heero Yui. To my relief, Heero turns back to his laptop and ignores me.

My eyes scan the room and land on Duo's curled up form. Rushing over, I notice the expression of pain is back on his face. He's also shaking a little. I shake Duo's shoulder gently, hoping that he'll open his eyes and sit up.

That hope is almost extinguished when Duo doesn't sit up. Instead, he curls up even tighter. The expression of pain is prominent on Duo's features, making my heart clench in fear. Still I cannot find any reason for the pain.

~~~ Duo's POV ~~~

Vaguely, my mind tells me that someone is shaking my shoulder again. Considering I can't really tell through the haze that forms in my mind, it can't be Heero. If it were, he'd shake my shoulder so hard, my arm would fall off.

Even knowing that someone is trying to get me to sit up and be my 'normal' self, I can't move. I can't force my body to sit up. Can't force my cheerful mask on. All I can do is wait for the pain to stop its relentless assault and become that underlying pain I can bear.

But it doesn't. The pain won't fade in the least. It's getting too much for me. I don't doubt that the pain came now just to make me cry out in front of my comrades. Then another sensation would come, something that can be worse than the pain in some ways.

Probing. If I let these people know that I hurt so badly, they won't stop asking me question after question about the pain. Unknowingly, they would cause more torment for me. When I think about the pain, it seems to intensify, as it's doing now.

"Go away!" I want to scream. "Just leave me alone!"

I don't know whether I want to scream it at the pain, or at the person shaking me. It doesn't matter. I can't scream, can't even whimper. Can't move, can't do anything but wait. Wait for something that may never come. 

Respite from my inner torment.

~~~ Quatre's POV ~~~

He doesn't answer my pleas to wake up. He doesn't even open his eyes. What's happening to Duo? My cries seem to fall on deaf ears, my hands on numb shoulders.

My mind whirls. Who did this to him? Who caused Duo to be in such agony that he won't respond to me? My mind jumps to a conclusion.

Heero. It had to be. Who else could have done this? Trowa was in the living room, I'm sure of it. I could hear the TV show he was watching, I could hear when he dropped the remote.

I hear my voice, high and accusing. "You did this to him, didn't you Heero!" It came out more as a statement than a question.

Heero looks mildly surprised. Whether it's at my actions or at my accusation, I can't tell. I don't wait to find out. Whirling around, I run out the door. 

I need to get Duo to a hospital. That thought resounds within me, propelling me to the nearest phone.

~~~ Heero's POV ~~~

Hearing Quatre's accusation, I'm a bit surprised. Why was he accusing me? Then I answer my own question. I was here, behind a closed door, with the baka. Of course I sound suspicious. It isn't like Trowa came in here to harm Duo. No. Of course, it looks like I did this.

But I didn't. I didn't touch him. All I did was stand by his bed because I was curious about why he didn't bother me. I didn't even know he was in pain until Quatre came in and accused me.

Taking a closer look, I realize Quatre was right. Duo's face is slightly contorted in pain. That is another look I have seen much of. I've even seen it on the other pilots' faces from time to time, but I can always tell why they're pained. This time however, I can't tell. Just like last night.

~~~ Duo's POV ~~~

Finally, the pain recedes. I can get up now, and try to convince whoever was shaking me that I'm fine. I open my eyes, but all I can see is the white mist that still clouds my vision after that brutal assault. I blink, hoping that will clear my vision. Through the fading haze, I see dark blue eyes.

Oh no. Not again. I look down at my hand. Good. Nothing is in my grasp. But then why is Heero so close to me? He's made it perfectly clear that he resents being within ten feet of me, and yet he comes two feet away, for no apparent reason?

I glance back up. All I see is my white ceiling. Heero's gone back to his damned laptop. Maybe this is all one big, horrible nightmare. Maybe I'll wake up and I'll find out that I'm fine. That I've never really been in such terrible pain before. Maybe... no that's just idiotic. There is no way, even in the worst nightmare, that such pain can exist.

Suddenly I sit up quickly. Who was shaking me? It couldn't have been Heero. He's too rough for that shake. Must have been Quatre then. Trowa would probably have thought that I was sleeping or something. Damn. What if Quatre's gone to get me some help? Then I'll have to tell the truth, and why I lied.

I jump up and run out the door. Hopefully, Quatre hasn't done anything like that. And if he has, what am I going to do?

~~~ Quatre's POV ~~~

Just as I'm about to tell the operator why I need some medical help, someone disconnects the line. Looking up I see Duo, his finger still on the disconnector. He looks almost fine, but for the worried expression on his face. Immediately I try to call again, but he won't let me.

"Quatre, I'm fine. Really. I don't need a doctor."

He says that so matter-of-fact that you wouldn't think he'd been lying on his bed, not noticing when someone was shaking him and trying to get him up. Without the pained look on his face, Duo seems like he never went through any of that, and he blacked out or something.

I know what I saw. That most definitely was not a black out. Duo was in pain, and I know it. What I don't know is why he insists on denying it.

~~~ Duo's POV ~~~

I can see that Quatre's ready to ask a million questions about why I hid my pain before. I don't want to tell anyone about it, but I don't think I can deny it this time. Quatre saw too much to fall for it.

Before he can ask a question, I interrupt, saying I don't want to talk about it right now and that I'll tell him later, after dinner. I figure that might get me enough time to get my stuff together and leave. If Quatre's going to be asking me all those questions about why I did what I did and why I'm in pain, I'd rather find another place to live.

I don't want to answer any questions because it'll make me think about the pain, probe why it's here. I tried that once before. The onslaught of it all kept me from doing anything for a good half-hour. All because I asked why. That could be the most dangerous word in the English language.

No. I don't want any more pain. Some people like Quatre may say that I should get medical help. The doctors could find out why all this pain attacks me, how to make it go away. But that's a lie. Those doctors with their fancy medical degrees don't know what this is like. They won't be able to find out what's wrong with me. Besides, it would just mean more pain for me. You know what they say, sometimes the cure is worse than the ailment. This is one of those times.

I don't want to hear Quatre's reply. That would mean fighting with him over whether or not I have to tell him. Anyway, it would be pointless. No matter how good Quatre is at convincing people to do what he wants, I won't tell him about my torment. I can't.

~~~ Trowa's POV ~~~

Walking to the table, I notice that neither Heero nor Duo is here. Again, those two are late for a meal. Now I am completely sure that something is wrong with Duo. I thought Duo being late for one meal was bad, but him late for two meals in one day?

I notice Quatre glancing up at the doorway again. I find my own gaze drawn there, hoping to see either one of the missing pilots. I'm rather relieved when Heero appears in the doorway, but I know my face betrays none of it. I have long since mastered the art of hiding my feelings.

However, Duo doesn't appear behind Heero. Heero sits at the table, waiting. Living with Quatre these past months has taught me that he won't let us eat until all of us are at the table. Annoyed, I glance at the door again.

~~~ Quatre's POV ~~~

I am getting restless. Duo still hasn't shown up, although Heero is here. I decide to risk asking where Duo is. Heero glares at me when I ask my question, but he answers.

"When I left the room to come down here, Duo said he'd be right out. I didn't bother to ask about what he was doing."

I should be satisfied that Heero even answered my question without threatening to harm me. But I'm still worried about Duo. No matter how I strain, I can't hear anything from Duo and Heero's room. My Uchuu no Kokoro tells me again that something is not right. Following my instincts, I excuse myself and head to Duo's room.

Pressing my ear to the door, I still hear nothing. Perhaps the carpet muffles sound better than I thought it. Knocking, I wait for Duo to come out and silence my Uchuu no Kokoro. I wait, but Duo doesn't open the door. Carefully opening the door, I peer in.

Nothing! All I see is furniture, and an open window. An open window? It's winter. Why would anyone leave a window open at this time of year? Suddenly, realization hits me. Duo has left through the window!

Running over to the open window, my suspicions are confirmed. The grass beneath the window is crushed, faint footprints visible in the wet grass. Duo is gone, and he left through the window. Turning on my heel, I run to the kitchen where Heero and Trowa are waiting. They have to know about Duo.

~~~ Heero's POV ~~~

Quatre comes running back into the room. He looks worried, and I'm surprised I can recognize and name his expression. It is one I see rarely. My curiosity isn't sparked; aside from Duo, Quatre is the one most likely to get excited over something unimportant.

He's talking rapidly. When he says something about Duo leaving through the window, I pay attention. I don't really believe it. If Duo had to leave, wouldn't it make more sense to leave through the door, not the window? But Quatre seems more sensible than to make up stories, so I follow him down the hall.

The room I share with Duo is almost half-empty. Duo's laptop, and most of his belongings are gone, as well as Duo himself. The room's only window stands open, letting in a cold breeze.

Looking at the room, anyone could tell that Duo left through the window. What is unknown is why that baka left. He took his laptop, so I assume that he isn't planning on coming back for a while.

I shrug. It doesn't matter to me. Duo was just an annoyance; something I'm glad to be rid of. Now that he's gone, I may actually be able to get some work done. I turn and walk out the door. This doesn't concern myself. Let Quatre worry about the braided baka's safety. He's the one best fit for it.

~~~ Duo's POV ~~~

The wind washes over me, making me feel just a little better. I steer the motorcycle down the freeway, not knowing where I am going, but it doesn't truly matter to me. Quatre can't ask me questions now, can't make me suffer more, even if he doesn't mean to.

In my mind is the vague plan to get away from the apartment and the people who live there, and find somewhere else to stay. I have completed half of my plan; I am no where near the others. Finding someplace else to stay is trickier. There aren't many places that I could stay in for long with my limited supply of cash.

A job would be the logical solution, but I am hesitant to apply for one. Two reasons mostly. First is the fact that it's dangerous, for myself and for the mission. If any OZ personnel were working undercover at the place I apply to, they would find out some information about myself. I can't let that happen. 

Second is my fear of what would happen to myself if the pain took over my mind at work. If I fell to the ground in pain, someone would be sure to notice. Then I would have to leave again, draining my supply of money even more. I would forever be on the run.

~~~ Heero's POV ~~~

I enter my bedroom planning on hacking into another OZ computer to find information I need for my mission. Seeing Quatre in the room is unexpected, but I am not surprised. Or if I am, I don't know it or show it.

Quatre is sitting on Duo's rumpled bed. Rumpled because I haven't touched any of the things on Duo's side of the room. He's looking about at the things Duo left behind. I think he believes Duo will come back soon.

He has been gone for a few days already. After that first day, I knew he wasn't going to come back. Every day since then, Quatre has been in the room at some point in the day, if only for a moment. I am becoming accustomed to it. Ignoring Quatre, I turn on my laptop and wait for it to boot up.

"Do you know Duo's email address?"

Quatre's voice interrupts my concentration. Why he thinks I know Duo's email I have no idea. I didn't have enough time to find out much about Duo. It was mostly physical descriptions from Professor G. Maybe he thinks I could hack into Professor G's computer and find it. I voice my thought.

Quatre turns red, but nods. I don't bother to ask why he wants to email Duo. I have enough imagination to understand that Quatre wants to find out why he left and if he's all right. I doubt that Duo would respond though.

I ignore my mission for the moment. Quatre is paying for the apartment after all. I suppose I could spare some time from the mission to find Duo's email for Quatre.

~~~ Quatre's POV ~~~

I'm slightly surprised when Heero tells me Duo's email address. After I asked my question and he didn't answer, I thought he would just go on with whatever he was doing before. I memorize the email, vowing to email Duo as soon as I get the chance. I have to find out if he's all right.

~~~ Duo's POV ~~~

The past few days I've been living nowhere. I've been on my motorcycle most of the time, trying to get as far as possible from…something. I'm not too sure what I'm flying from, but something pushes me on, refusing to let me stay in the same place for long. If I ignore those urges, the pain comes in full fury.

My nights were spent in cheap motels or on the side of the road if there was no motel nearby. Some nights I don't sleep at all; the urging won't let me rest long enough. Those nights I spend roaming the streets, placing more distance between myself and whatever I'm flying from.

~~~ Trowa's POV ~~~

The sound of typing comes from the room I share with Quatre. Looking at his side of the room I see Quatre typing away at his laptop. When I enter the room, Quatre looks up.

"I'm writing an email to Duo."

Those words spark my curiosity just a little, but enough for me to walk over to see Quatre's screen. The email is short, and seeming to get shorter. Quatre can't seem to decide what to say. I understand. I wouldn't know what to say to Duo either.

I watch as Quatre continues to try and write to Duo.

~~~ Quatre's POV ~~~

It is much harder than I expected to write to Duo. I need some answers, but I can't figure out how to ask what I want

to know. It should be easy, and it would be if I had the words to express what I'm feeling. But I don't have them. No matter how hard I try, the words seem to elude me, dancing just out of my grasp to tease me.

I am fully aware of Trowa sitting a bit behind and to my right as I attempt to establish contact with Duo. Trowa's presence, the slight sound of his breathing, takes my attention from my email, which I fear may never be sent. If I continue as I have been, this email will never begin, let alone finish. 

Trying to ignore all distractions, which seems an impossible task, I try to write one coherent sentence. I succeed, but only just. I don't know how I will be able to finish this email, and if I do, will Duo reply? The idea that he won't torments me.

~~~ Heero's POV ~~~

I can't concentrate. The quiet of the apartment seems unnatural with only the sounds of typing and soft breathing audible to the ear. The apartment seems empty without the braided baka prancing around annoying the hell out of the rest of us.

Even though I wished and hoped that someday Duo would leave or I would leave, the silence bothers me. I was not prepared for the quiet, although it was what I longed for, for months.

The subject of Duo Maxwell is exasperating and when someone can make me this exasperated that is one annoying person. Yet when I get most irritated is when Duo is not here to bother me.

Just thinking about this aggravates me. I worked by myself for years, in the quiet, yet now I cannot work without Duo's mindless babble. Even with my mental capabilities, I cannot begin to understand why this change has come over me.

~~~ Quatre's POV ~~~

Finally! I have finished writing my email. After hours of sitting at my laptop and hundreds of drafts, I finished it. I was actually able to express some of what I feel and why I need to know what I do.

The most of why I need to know is because of my Uchuu no Kokoro. That is something that I will never be able to explain in full, even given a hundred years to think. My Uchuu no Kokoro tells me some things, but it never tells me the whole part. It makes sure I have to find out or die of curiosity and anxiety. It is not something I can control.

Now that I have my questions down on the computer, some of my anxiety has faded. The only way to rid myself of the remaining anxiety, I know, is for Duo to answer my questions truthfully and quickly. If he won't answer me, I may go mad from the mental stress.

~~~ Duo's POV ~~~

I'm on the move again. I have no earthly idea how many miles I've traveled in the past week, but I know the number is great. As I fly along the road, braid flying out behind me and duffel bag pressed against my back, I desperately hope the pain won't come.

Every minute I hope the same thing. It is futile, I know, but I can't help it. There is some irrational hope that one day the pain will go away. It is a hope I can't seem to crush, no matter how much agony it brings on when I think of a painless life, a life that will never be mine.

I know in my bones that I am doomed to spend the rest of my life like this, always fearing the inevitable, hoping for something that will never come. I fear the pain that comes every day to torment me. I hope every time that the pain will leave me for good, not just temporarily. And every single time that hope is ripped in two by the reoccurring pain, only to spring up again in another moment of mental stupidity. 

As I reflect on my painful past, I don't pay as much attention to the road as I should. Despite the late hour, someone else is driving, heading straight for me. Their bright headlights shine in my eyes, paralyzing any mental activity. I can only watch in sick fascination as I race to meet my death head-on.

~~~ Quatre's POV ~~~

I hit the send button on my laptop, praying Duo will answer me soon. I must know his reply, why he left, and why he has not come back. I feel strangely responsible for all this. If I hadn't tried to force Duo to tell me what was wrong…if I had only minded my own business…then maybe none of this would ever have happened. 

Then Duo would still be here with the rest of us, safe, or at least as safe as a Gundam pilot can get. If only…but this is who I am. I have feelings, despite being a Gundam pilot. I still have emotions and feelings and I show them. I'm not like Trowa who can hide his emotions well, or Heero who was made into an emotionless weapon long ago.

I stare at the screen that says my email has been sent for a few 

the real world, Trowa is on his side of the room, checking his email. His computer must have announced that he had email waiting while I was distracted.

Eventually I change the screen, but I don't turn off my computer or leave the room. I want to be here if Duo responds, even though I know it could take days or even weeks with Duo. Still, I know I'd wait a month if I had to.

~~~ Heero's POV ~~~

I still can't concentrate on my mission assignments. This is making me very mad. There is nothing more important than the mission. I need to concentrate! If I mess up, I'll die, not that it matters. But I can't die if it means OZ has a chance of winning.

So I need to concentrate, get my mind on the mission. This has never happened before, and I don't understand it. I have already lost three nights of sleep thinking about it, and it has done no good at all. Maybe I need to rest for a while.

I lay down on my bed and stare at the ceiling. Plain white, with no cracks. I am still restless. Unable to sleep, unable to work, what am I to do? I find myself craving movement after being cooped up in the same room all day.

~~~ Duo's POV ~~~

At the last moment, the truck swerves to avoid me. I'm a bit disappointed, because it means the pain is free to come back. Free to come and torture me again, as it does every night.

As if sparked by my thoughts, the pain attacks. Like always, it's mind numbing, creating a fog in my mind that blankets everything else, no matter how important. This time however, one thing stays with me.

No one will save me this time.

A wildly tilting world, white plunged into black…and unexpected peace.

~~~ Quatre's POV ~~~

Not even 15 minutes after I sent the email, something happens. There's a sharp pain in my chest, where my heart is. Something awful has happened to someone I know. The pain is overwhelming.

An image appears in my mind. Duo! Something has happened to Duo! This is not good. I find my hands over my heart, trying to ease the pain. But I know that nothing will ease it until I see for myself what has happened.

But then the pain stops. It doesn't hurt any more, but a feeling of total wrongness is left behind, filling my body, making me uncomfortable. Something even worse has happened. This feeling has never come to me before, yet I know what it signifies. And I do not like it.

_~~~ Somewhere ~~~_

_The metallic smell of blood combined with the scent of melted metal and scorched flesh. The guardrail severely dented. Nearby, the twisted remains of a black motorcycle lie in a heap. Rail, motorcycle, road, all slick with fresh blood, shining in the light from the street lamp. Far from the wreck, a mangled pile of red flesh and white bone gleam sickeningly in the harsh artificial light. A long braid, heavy and dark with blood, limply coiled in a puddle of red. A laptop, strangely undamaged, announces to no one that there is an email._

~ Owari ~


End file.
